I love going the cinema, but I hate people, especially the sort of person that goes to the cinema. So when, at two o clock in the afternoon, I was surrounded by people waiting to see The Da Vinci Code, I was irked to say the least. Luckily I brought my brother with me; he’s a violent six foot golem of a person, and has the same feelings about the sort of idiot that talks during a movie or decides to use there cell phone.

My mood improved somewhat when I saw the trailers for X-men III and Casino Royal back to back, in fact they gave me a geek hard-on so big I had to beat it down with my fist, otherwise the people behind me wouldn’t have been able to see.

Anyway the film, Tom Hanks plays Proffesser Niceguy Everyman who runs around looking confused with Dullhead Armcandy (Audrey Tautou) on the trail of her estranged grandfathers’ murder and what may or may not be the Holy Grail.

The film is what you expect from jobbing standard director Ron Howard; a completely faithful adaptation of the book, unfortunately I hated the book and think Dan Brown is one of the worst popular writers alive today, so it shares the same flaws as the book, the characters never really get beyond being mouthpieces, who’s soul job it is to explain the plot. Everything is explained twice and very slowly. At one point using diagrams and a pointing stick (yes really).

Imagine a standard Hollywood thriller by numbers with a dull history lesson grafted on top. Every plot twist was telegraphed way before it happens, so much so that you actually get bored waiting for it.

Notable exceptions are Name “no women, no children” Name, who quite literally provides the only emotive moment in the film despite the blandness of the script, and the scene stealing Ian “old luvvie” McCellen, who is so obviously a class above the film its embarrassing.

As we walked out my brother said “well that’s two hours of my life I’m never getting back”, I agree. Organised religion needs a kick in its teeth, unfortunately this is not the film that will do it.

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